Wow. I wrote some stuff here more than 4 years ago. I used to be slightly interested in creative works, like wrting shit that came to my head and putting it out to the world to read. My earlier profile name was 'Lost' .. Funny that I'd named it so. I mean I've actually have been quite lost till very recently.
Throughout my student life I've been constantly fucking around and not giving a shit about anyone's feelings or even my own as a matter of fact. The reasons for all that are too deep to dig into right now. And this post right here is not about the reasons. Its whats going on after 'finding myself' has happened. Thats why I've called this post Repetitive Nonsense.
I shifted to a new city about a year back. And I was completely fucked up when I moved here. All I wanted to do was get my freedom back. All I wanted to do was party. All I wanted to do once again, was turn away and run from where fate had left me. I got shifted in with some relatives of mine, they were given specific instructions to keep a strict watch on me. I did fuck up several times even in their eyes, but slowly that did start to improve. I would whine and crib to almost everyone close to me. I would tell people of how my life had gone from horse shit to elephant shit. And after around 3 months of this constant cribbing one of my friends told me, "Macha, if you're gonna keep living in the past which wasn't great by itself either, you're only going to get more mindfucked. You need to accept your fate and move on. You need to stop cribbing. I cant allow you to keep whining and spreading so much negativity, its annoying". The man was right. I had taken this step to be a better person. To not be what I was, and all I was doing was making it more and more difficult for me to settle in. By then, I was atleast a 100 days sober and my mind was thinking straight. I was thinking straight.
2012 had arrived. It was a new year. I felt there would be nice new things to look forward to. My relatives would ease up on me. My parents would ease up on me. But quite funnily, shit was getting harder to deal with. Though by now I had learnt to take on all this tribulation and smile through it. But really, What the fuck? I was doing my bit to the best I could and keeping up my sobriety entirely, yet there would be no trust. My father told me just at the time of shifting, broken trust takes very long to fix, and I knew that. But how long would be my test I thought to myself. So after a period 6-7 months I just put it into a conversation that I was having with my parents asking them, how long it would take to fix broken trust. A year atleast! Shot back a reply. And now that I had my warning I told myself I could do this for a year. I would win back broken trust.
A whole academic year had ended, I was to go abroad for my summers. Not for anything purposeful. My parents just wanted me to stay away from the city that caused so much havoc and irreparable damage in my life. A few weeks into the summer and I recieved an E-mail which basically stated, that I topped my class. I was happy. Not happy because I managed to rank, but because this would be that milestone I've achieved in gaining back trust. I informed both my parents and relatives about my resutls. Both were quite satisfied. I lived in misleading self created thoughts that from here on I would be permitted to do what I wanted to do, would be allowed freedom to handle my own money, would get back the gadgets taken away from me in order for me not to keep in touch with those people who'd brought about chaos. Weeks went on and summers ended. I was back in India.
My optimistic beliefs got kicked in the fucking face when I came back here. I was still that boy who fucked up. I was still the same fucking irresponsible kid who made a mistake and threw his future away for the kicks. This is the repetitive nonsense. This shit will not change. Ever. According to my relatives with whom I reside, my stay in this city is to achieve educational excellence and high intellectuality. And not those petty things I'm after. The only petty thing I'm actually after is happiness. And I have it. I am definitely not complaining. But something I've been trying to achieve forever, trust. I don't see it, at all.
Throughout my student life I've been constantly fucking around and not giving a shit about anyone's feelings or even my own as a matter of fact. The reasons for all that are too deep to dig into right now. And this post right here is not about the reasons. Its whats going on after 'finding myself' has happened. Thats why I've called this post Repetitive Nonsense.
I shifted to a new city about a year back. And I was completely fucked up when I moved here. All I wanted to do was get my freedom back. All I wanted to do was party. All I wanted to do once again, was turn away and run from where fate had left me. I got shifted in with some relatives of mine, they were given specific instructions to keep a strict watch on me. I did fuck up several times even in their eyes, but slowly that did start to improve. I would whine and crib to almost everyone close to me. I would tell people of how my life had gone from horse shit to elephant shit. And after around 3 months of this constant cribbing one of my friends told me, "Macha, if you're gonna keep living in the past which wasn't great by itself either, you're only going to get more mindfucked. You need to accept your fate and move on. You need to stop cribbing. I cant allow you to keep whining and spreading so much negativity, its annoying". The man was right. I had taken this step to be a better person. To not be what I was, and all I was doing was making it more and more difficult for me to settle in. By then, I was atleast a 100 days sober and my mind was thinking straight. I was thinking straight.
2012 had arrived. It was a new year. I felt there would be nice new things to look forward to. My relatives would ease up on me. My parents would ease up on me. But quite funnily, shit was getting harder to deal with. Though by now I had learnt to take on all this tribulation and smile through it. But really, What the fuck? I was doing my bit to the best I could and keeping up my sobriety entirely, yet there would be no trust. My father told me just at the time of shifting, broken trust takes very long to fix, and I knew that. But how long would be my test I thought to myself. So after a period 6-7 months I just put it into a conversation that I was having with my parents asking them, how long it would take to fix broken trust. A year atleast! Shot back a reply. And now that I had my warning I told myself I could do this for a year. I would win back broken trust.
A whole academic year had ended, I was to go abroad for my summers. Not for anything purposeful. My parents just wanted me to stay away from the city that caused so much havoc and irreparable damage in my life. A few weeks into the summer and I recieved an E-mail which basically stated, that I topped my class. I was happy. Not happy because I managed to rank, but because this would be that milestone I've achieved in gaining back trust. I informed both my parents and relatives about my resutls. Both were quite satisfied. I lived in misleading self created thoughts that from here on I would be permitted to do what I wanted to do, would be allowed freedom to handle my own money, would get back the gadgets taken away from me in order for me not to keep in touch with those people who'd brought about chaos. Weeks went on and summers ended. I was back in India.
My optimistic beliefs got kicked in the fucking face when I came back here. I was still that boy who fucked up. I was still the same fucking irresponsible kid who made a mistake and threw his future away for the kicks. This is the repetitive nonsense. This shit will not change. Ever. According to my relatives with whom I reside, my stay in this city is to achieve educational excellence and high intellectuality. And not those petty things I'm after. The only petty thing I'm actually after is happiness. And I have it. I am definitely not complaining. But something I've been trying to achieve forever, trust. I don't see it, at all.
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